Ups & Downs... & Downs

Lately, I haven't been feeling all to great about things. The fact that I'm unsatisfied with my current lifestyle and falling away from God, has really taken it's toll on me.

These negative feelings are always due to my bits and pieces bottled up inside me, but I never succeed in realizing that its accumulating.

When was the last time I've been to church? Sang a worship song? Read a bible verse? Too long. The one accountability partner I thought I had, doesn't seem to care anymore. I've backtracked. I've made so many goals since the retreat, but I've only been setting them aside or breaking them one by one. So, when can I start walking forward again, toward those goals I had such a powerful urge to accomplish?

As for my current lifestyle... "I don't live alone, but why is it that I feel like I do?" I've asked myself that several times already, but I can't find a solid reason to place this feeling upon. I don't ask for much, but sometimes I wish more would just happen, surprise me. Too bad, my expectations are always crushed. Maybe I'm just too different, but changing myself isn't the answer, it's an escape route, so I'm not sure what to do now, but I'm hoping these feelings will just pass. Perhaps a rant or two might help.

I had a dream earlier today that I was in a German institute. I didn't seem to fit in and it seemed that everyone had their daggered eyes pointing straight at me, including my professor. Perhaps... this dream is a result of the negative feelings I've been having. During lunch or dinner, the professor, after signaling a glare, felt sorry and came over to where I was sitting, alone at another table. Why German and why this sort of setting? I don't know, but the feelings were all too real for me to distinguish. I was at a major depression point, but there's always someone out there that I could rely on.

As for my up side! I found out today that I got an A on my sociology midterm, but as for my other classes, I can't say I'm doing just as well.

-Jeffjeff